work social functions, eg Christmas parties
Aren't they purgatory? Being Australian, we have work barbies, and I dread walking in and deciding with whom to sit and attempt to make conversation. For the Christmas one, I ducked out by sitting with an elderly, retired ex-member of staff and his wife, who had come along, and talked to them all through the event, so I didn't have to talk to my colleagues. The trouble is, I have nothing in common with my colleagues, apart from the fact that I work with them! Nothing at all, and its in these social occasions that that comes to the forefront. I think to myself that its important for team spirit and bonding to mingle at such do's, but its liable to be counterproductive in that respect if the situation merely highlights how little you have in common with those you work with.
The ups and downs of office Christmas meals
Another aspect of circumstantial luck about the Christmas meal I've described was the seating plan. On that occasion we were seated on café-style round tables of about half-a-dozen each, which made conversation much easier than sitting on long tables. Also we were fortunate to have the use of a function room with a good acoustic (as in not much of an echo) and no piped music (restauranteurs, are you reading this?!).
By contrast I've experienced many a restuarant meal with my rambling club where I've ended up sitting wedged in the middle of the table. Not a wallflower, more of a daisy in the middle of the lawn - trodden on and ignored. All through the evening I'd try to follow the conversation happening on one side of me, only for raucous laughter on the other side to drown out what had just been said; so I'd switch to following the conversation on the other side, and then the reverse would happen. On and on and on...
However that's off the topic of work social functions. The least enjoyable office Christmas meal I've had was one when it was just the immediate team (9 of them) plus significant others, and as the only single person in the team I really felt like a spare part. It felt bad from the moment my colleague came into our office to announce that she'd booked us at table at such-and-such a date, and everyone else in the room picked up their phones simultaneously to ring their partners. I bit my lip and tried to focus on my work, but the same colleague insisted on asking, "What about you, Aeolienne? Do you want to bring anyone?" "It's not a question of whether I want to," I replied, "it's whether I can", and carried on typing.
At least with the current set-up of a Christmas meal for the whole department there isn't room for people to bring partners.
Re: Maybe it's just me
I don't prepare, I just go (apologies if that sounds cryptic). As to what we talk about, it depends - I might ask the others about their work, about mutual acquaintances or a message they'd posted on the office newsgroups recently. The usual stuff, I supppose.
At the departmental Christmas lunch the year before last I happened to be the only representative of my team. I ended up sharing a table with a scattering of people from several different teams, some of whom I'd met at courses in the past, while others were just names from the newsgroups/intranet. One of the latter made a point of asking "Does everyone here know each other?" He deserves an employee of the year award! My own team members have never bothered to introduce me to anyone.
Effective Strategy
You went on your own, mixed with new people and made small talk.
Sounds as though what you did was very effective - well done.
You're congratulating me for
You're congratulating me for my efforts? And yet it was all down to circumstantial luck, which could have been so different. If the person I mentioned had not bothered to ensure that everyone knew each other - if instead he and all the others had launched straight into conversations about people I don't know in other teams, conferences I didn't attend, technical jargon, football results, speed cameras, ex-partners or a myriad of other conversational topics to which I have nothing to contribute, I would have been bored rigid and totally lacking in festive cheer. And presumably if I complained about that here you'd give me a lecture about how I should make an effort, learn to read body language etc etc.
Feedback
Aeolienne
I certainly wouldn't have given you a lecture; that is nit what I am here for and something have don't really have any remit to do.
Well done though for integrating!
I went to my new company's Christmas party of Friday night. I had forgotten all about it and hadn't put it in my diary!
If I could've got out of it I would have. It was still November, so far too early in my view and it some massive corporate hotel's function room so had no sense of intimacy about it.
However, I reminded myself of the importance of attending given that I was new to the company and my name was on the seating plan. My absence would have been auspicious if I had not attended.
Anyway, I went along, mixed, chatted, met a few new people and was seen to be there, so I think I earnt myself a few brownie points.
Alternative Present
The company offers everyone a Christmas present - or the opportunity to donate it to a charity.
I am going to do the latter. Would send the right message to colleagues and is not an insular or selfish decision.
It went well
Thanks for your response! I ended up going, and no one asked me to cover the phones. It went pretty well--as usual I didn't have much to say, but that's OK.
Non Self Fulfilling Prophecy
Good stuff.
One of the lessons I have learnt is that we are too self aware. We assume that there is something untoward about us and so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
When these situations happen to me I try to switch the focus. By this I mean I do exactly the opposite to what my conscious thought is telling me.
If I feel I am being excluded I insist that I believe that is not the case. If you face the issue you can overcome it and gain enormous satisfaction - and confidence - from doing so.
Well done. Start going to more it become a real fun game and will enhance your standing with colleagues. Next time set yourself the personal goal of making a few comments - talking to someone about an area of their personal interest in a polite, unobtrusive way is usually a good technique.
Someone's last day tomorrow
The assistant to the president of the company I work for is leaving to go back to school, and his last day is tomorrow. Last week the HR manager sent out an email saying there was going to be a lunch for him on his last day, and whoever wanted to come was invited. I answered that I wanted to attend. we weren't especially close, but were friendly acquantances when we sat near each other and he was receptionist and I was his back-up. So there's no reason I shouldn't go to this.
I'm now the back-up to the back-up receptionist. We have only a temporary receptionist now until someone is hired permanently, and she was out today. Now I'm afraid she'll be out tomorrow, and that I will be asked to cover everyone's lunch period (ie, not go to the lunch for the guy who's leaving). The regular back-up receptionist is his best friend--no one would expect him not to go. I also feel that, if the receptionist isn't there again, that I should OFFER to cover lunch.
My friend in my department, who knows of my social problems and fears but doesn't know much about AS so doesn't think I have it (and since I'm not diagnosed yet, I don't really make a big thing of it). says I shouldn't volunteer to cover lunch and should try to go if possible. NOw I'm starting to feel like he must have asked her personally to go, because she had said she wasn't going to, and since he didn't ask me personally he must not want me to go. Also she said h e made some comment about how he didn't like or wouldn't miss most of the people at work, so I'm sure I was included in that.
There is a precedent for this in that the last time someone left, even though we'd also been fairly friendly, I volunteered to cover the front desk during the lunch for him. I also was not invited to the gathering for him after work, even though my boss (accounting manager) was providing the company credit card. The friend I mentioned above was invited (at the last minute she says, probably to make me feel better) but I wasn't.
I know this is all due to my lack of social skills due to undiagnosed AS. I'm not sure what to do tomorrow--even if the receptionist does show up and agrees to cover lunch, I will feel uncomfortable going. Also I'm not in the best shape for wallking, and the restaurant is quite a few blocks away, and now I'm wondering if that was chosen deliberately to keep me out, though I don't really think the HR person would do that, much as she may want to.
I'm not really sure what I should do. (I'm in the US, so when I say this lunch is happening tomorrow I mean Tuesday. I think we're about 8 hours behind Great Britain out here on the West Coast of the the US, and probably nearly a day behind Australia. The lunch is happening approximately 16.5 hours from now, and it's 7 in the evening on Monday here, and work is over for today.) Like I said, even if we do have a receptionist to cover the lunch, I don't know if I should even go or if perhaps I'm even expected not to go because of the walk and being noticeably out of shape. Do you think it's paranoid of me to think they planned the venue to keep me away?
Leaving Party
Nora
Firstly, well done for saying that you want to go!!!
You may not receive this in time but I feel you should state firmly but politely that you want to be there.
You were on friendly terms with the person and want to pay your respects. You also covered the last time so I would say that you feel somebody else should cover this time.
I think you are reading to much into what other people may or may not be saying. Just because a date is changed or a venue shifted further away from you it doesn't meant that it relates to you.
Assume you have done nothing untoward - rather than assuming you have - and try to be less concerned inwardly. There is usually an innocent explanation for this things.
Birthdays
This might fit in with this topic somewhat.
In my job when someone has a birthday they get them a nice cake, soda and everyone in the area gets together to have a brief celebration. It's nothing elaborate, unless if it's a big birthday or occasion.
This happened to me yesterday. My birthday was February 18th but they could not celebrate it because of the things going on at work, it's a busy time. I was surprised when they did it but it was simple and I was actually glad.
Has anyone experienced this before?
Social Technique
When I worked at the BBC the practice was to bring something back from when you returned from holiday to eat.
Something like German biscuits or another food or sweets that were generic to that country. It sent the message that you had considered work colleagues whilst away and people used to appreciate it.
To let people know we just sent a departmental e-mail around saying **** is available in the kitchen if people want to help themselves.
Its a good technique and and easy one to adopt and always gains a few beneficial brownie points with colleagues.
Yes, and it's nice on a
Yes, and it's nice on a small scale. I work in a satellite office with two other people and for my birthday not too long ago, we got a cake and had pleasant conversation for about 15 minutes before returning to our duties. I thought it was nice and not overdone.
Party? The Aspie version of hell!
Can't understand how you have started to enjoy parties Malcolm, they are indeed purgatory.
Awful, awful things that I will (and have) ran miles to avoid.
It can never be compulsory to attend a work's party, as they (generally) do not take place in work time.
You certainly cannot be sacked for not attending one either.
If you are the sucking up type (which Aspies usually aren't) then maybe you feel you should attend to 'look good' - but I strongly feel that is a very poor reason.
Don't go is my advice - they are full of NTs acting in inappropriate ways.
As You Feel Able
I think no one should attend any thing they don't want to; certainly not of they don't feel right about it.
However, I don't think that this is a reason to avoid come-what-may!
I don't wish to pander to anyone. However, I have come to appreciate the advantages of doing so in a work context. If you feel able, and want to, they can provide real benefits: reducing barriers, agining support, understanding others etc.
I can understand why they are difficult and why people may not wnat to engage, but they do become easier.
If I don't feel like going however, I don't!
I've often felt very similar
I've often felt very similar about not having anything in common with my coworkers... (which reminds me argh, that I forgot to apologize to a coworker earlier today when I wanted to -- which may not have even been necessary, but I wanted to)... Though my NT significant other, Tiff had made a similar comment about the Christmas party for a company I worked for in Florida a couple years ago, and at the time I remember her using specific words to the effect of "very different from the other people there" and my boss saying "well that just makes her like everyone else"...
It took me a moment when I started reading this originally to realize that "barbie" wasn't capitalized. heh... which here in the US, if capitalized, "Barbie" is a popular toy doll for girls. But even beyond it just being something different, Barbies are made and marketed in lots of different styles with different names, so while not necessarily likely, I might have actually seen a "Corporate Barbie" on the shelf, marketed for parents who want their daughters to grow up to be career-minded. :) That's where my mind took me in spite of the fact that I've known for years that Ausies/kiwis call parties "barbies" -- I guess in spite of having been on the internet for a number of years I still don't have "international expectations". I chuckled when I realized you weren't talking about the doll, so I figured I'd share the laugh. :)
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I dread holiday parties....
I dread holiday parties or other office get-togethers, especially official ones involving the owner of the company where I work and his wife.
I was told last year by a non-Aspie woman who edits a newsletter for autism-related things in our area, and I guess also gives advice to parents of Aspie/autistic people and Aspies, that Aspies should avoid work get-togethers like these unless we are able to help physically somehow (such as at a barbecue, offering to barbecue the meat, or offering to prepare food or do cleanup or whatever). Things that could help us to be involved but which would mean we wouldn't have to talk much, so that in case we had poor social skills it wouldn't show. (She gave an example of what could happen). Needless to say, after this I wanted even less to go to anything, especially the completely catered event we had at our company this year.
It Gets Easier
Norah
Thank you for the reply and welcome.
I know these are though but I really do feel that they are essential. They do also get easier once you get into, and more used to, them!
I think that actually helping in some way as you suggest is a good idea.
Another thing that is useful is identifying someone you get along with who will be there, telling them that you find it difficult and asking if you can - loosely - go along with them.
Asking other people who are good at this sort of thing for advice maybe not so bad either.
The lesson that I have learnt from these events is that it does allow other people to get to know me better. This reduces barriers and they then can act as support mechanisms for when things get tough in the workplace.
Team Player
I know that it might be easier to just avoid these functions, but doing so might put you in the light of not being a team player or not fitting in. Having others in your office think that you get along well with everyone and are not rude or stand-offish is important in some environments.
This "not being a team
This "not being a team player" garbage is just a way for some people to artificially puff up their own self-importance.
Team player
whiskerybeast, I wouldn't worry what anyone else thinks!
Just do what you think is best.
Aspies do not make good team players - so why pretend otherwise?
Just do what you are good at!
Unfortunatly, what other
Unfortunatly, what other people think of you has a very real impact on your job though. Especially if you own boss thinks negitivly of you!
Unfortunatly, what other
Unfortunatly, what other people think of you has a very real impact on your job though. Especially if you own boss thinks negitivly of you!
Well, if they think
Well, if they think negatively of you it's doubtful that going to a couple of parties is going to make much difference.
Its Important
Its so imporatnt to attend these things as mentioned.
With all issues that I know I need to confront, I eased my way into it.
I knew that I needed to socialise so, in the first instance, I used to say that I am coing along but - regretably - have to leave early for an urgent family commitment (or some other excuse!).
This way I eased my way into the process. Gradually as I attended more I becamse less nervous and coped with them even better.
In the end I even started to enjoy them!
Maybe it's just me
I must be the big exception - I wish I went to more work social events. The areas of the office I've worked in doesn't go in for Christmas parties as such, tending to mark the festive season by going out for a restaurant meal. Or rather two restaurant meals: one for my immedate team (6 of us) and one for the wider department/division/whatever. I much prefer the departmental Christmas lunch because I get on so much better with people in other areas of the office than with my own team-members. In all the time I've been in my current job (nearly four years) I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my colleagues have asked me how my weekend was.
Your Views
Dear Aeolienne
Thank you for the reply and good to see you on the forums again.
As someone who is keen on social events - and obviously not discouraged at the thought of them of them - it would be very interesting to hear why and your wider thoughts on them from an Asperger perspective.
Do you pre-plan, what do you talk about etc?
Malcolm