Socializing Only When Required
Not sure that this is quite a purely socializing topic per se, but is one that has taught me an important lessn over the last few weeks.
As a person with Asperger, I will always go out of my way to help people. If I don't hear from someone for some time, and they suddenly ask for assistance, I have no problem with trying to accomodate.
When I look back on my life (I am referring to issues outside of work) I can see that this position has led me to be taken advantage of on a number of occasions. What I find surprising looking back is that it has subsequently shocked me that I have!
I am currently job hunting and have been tentatively looking for a while. My current circumstances (now unemployed) have meant that there is now a degree of urgency in my situation. Consequently, I have been approaching people in my network for help. Whilst most have been prepared to listen, some have simply not responded.
I know a person via the "Asperger grapevine". We made contact a few years back and we stayed in touch. He then moved away and, despite two or three e-mails and Christmas cards, I haven't heard a thing from him.
Until last week when I suddenly received an e-mail (as part of a round-robin) - asking me to consider sponsoring him for a fundraising exercise!
I felt quite affronted by this! I have made the effort to stay in touch with this person and maintain our friendship and support, but there has been no reciprocation until the person in question wanted something.
I related this to my career. In my last newsletter I undertook a review of networking (see publications section). The key lesson that I learnt from the text is the importance of reciprocating - when nothing is imminently needed! In other words, be seen to be doing things when there is no need on your part, (obviously, you need to ensure that this does not extend to being excessively generous to avoid being taken advantage of).
As I have mentioned in other postings, I am going to increasingly try to network more informally by socializing when I have no immediate agenda. I am convinced that my previous approach has been largely counter-productive!
I need also to consider my "Asperger position" more in relation to all of this and try to put myself more readily in the shoes of the other person as per the above...
Taking Advantage
I can't stand when something like this happens to me. It does sound like a case of being taken advantage of. People have done things like this to me many times in my life. There are times I just don't see it until it's too late. There are people in my job who ask me for things and I do it for them. Then when I ask them for something they end up not reciprocating or not even responding until they need something done for them again. They are your best friend when you help them or involved in doing something for them but once the task is done, that's it! You try to ask them for help or even to keep in touch and there's nothing. Also, when you decide not to bother with these people or help them, it's like the world has ended and you're a bad person. At times there are occasions when I took advantage of people and not realize it until it's too late. I could write some instances but it could end up becoming a book!!
Beware of who you help and how you help them. Sometimes people will only use you when it's needed and always use you since you are willing to say yes. If one thinks about it taking advantage, at times, is like a form of bullying. The "bully" might not have any use for the person or even like them but if they need something they will always ask the people and expect it to be done since the person always says yes and does it. Once the task is done the "bully" will back stab the person behind their back and not reciprocate at all, just screw them (pardon the impression).