Small Talk
I have just read a terrific piece about small talk in the newsletter from Barbara Bissonette at consultancy Forwardmotion www.forwardmotion.info.
She always writes well, but I took some real lessons from this - short - article and I would always recommend people signing up for her newsletter.
The first point she makes is that small talk is about starting relationships. As she rightly says, it helps us make connections with people and sends the message that you are part of a group. Consequently, it helps establish camaraderie and trust.
She also makes another point that I thought was insightful: you don't need to actually like someone to be friendly with them at work. I think that this is an incredibly important point for someone with Asperger syndrome. There have a been a couple of occasions during my own career when I have met people whom I dislike and I have allowed myself to show that displeasure. I have learnt the hard way that I cannot afford that luxury in a work context!
So what are the key elements of small talk? Well the next piece of advice that the author offers is I think also sound: avoid contentious subjects (politics, sex, personal observations) and select generic, neutral tpoics only such as sport. If you don't follow sport, look on the news bulletins and identify a topic that is likely to interest most people. On the BBC website this morning for example, there was a piece about BP's massive financial losses due to the oil spill.
Its also important not to talk for too long or talk too little. Two to three turns is suggested as the optimal level of discourse and any conversation should not last longer than five minutes. Important advice also for someone with AS to avoid the danger of talking too long, dominating the conversation or speaking about a subject that may be dear to our hearts but of lesser interest to others.
The importance of smiling is also emphasised. Again, I thought that this was sound advice. If people don't smile at me when they approach or pass me it makes me nervous and apprehensive: so why should I think it would be any different for any other person? Smile at people in the corridor; it makes you appear less scary and helps connect!
To the above, I would add one piece of my own advice: identify a topic that is of personal interest to the other person. This will always vary but, if you can locate that interest, it can really establish credibility and resonance between parties. There is always something that somebody is interested in talking about; it will differ, but it will be there. Often this is about themselves.
As the piece rightly concludes by saying: small talk is an important business skill and one well worth acquiring and practicing. I would also urge readers to consider signing up for Barbara's newsletter: its well worth it.
Would welcome further comments from readers on the above.