Initiating Social Activity
Submitted by Malcolm on Fri, 01/16/2009 - 20:47.
Most of the postings so far have all been about how we can participate in existing work related social activity.
No oen has talked about initiating it ourselves even though I think that it is agreed that socialising at work is both advantageous and necessary.
It is, of course, not natural for us and hard to do. Coming up with ideas is, therefore, far from easy.
I woudl be interested if antone has any actual suggestions or ideas that could be the basis for it?
Just suggesting going for a drink may be OK occasionally, but it won't always work and may make us feel uncomfortable if we don't get a positive response or a decent take up. We may even take it personally meaning that it backfires.
I thought about birthdays?
Social Committee
Malcolm, does your company have a social committee that you could join? It may be a good confidence booster and a good way to start small by listening to fellow social committee's ideas and just help out with the volunteer work to make the idea they come up with a sucess. Then once hearing enough of their ideas, it could possibly be easier for yourself to come up with ideas for social get togethers. Thats one option.
You mentioned the idea of inviting your co-workers for a drink after work. If they say no because they already have plans, this would be a great chance to empathize/ being understanding to the fact that they already have plans and that their telling the truth and that its nothing personal against you. Therefore if it backfires, it would be best to remind yourself its nothing personal against you and don't let it affect your self esteem and confidence.( I understand that it may be easier said then done) If you invite your co-workers a second time and it backfires again, then it's time to consider whether or not they are lying to you about having plans and if they are lying its going to hurt the self esteem and confidence a little, but this could be a good time to live by the expression "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" and evaluate whether or not to try initating a get together a third time is worth the rejection or accept initating a get together as a weakness and move on.
Not Trying Too Hard
I experienced another variance on all of this yesterday.
I took a day off and went up to my old company for whom I am still doing some work. Firstly, I got quite a warm reception from some people which really quite pleased - and lifted - me!
I said before I went that I would buy my boss a beer. Prior to strolling over to the pub at lunchtime I said to him that I would etxend the invitation to the other guys.
His rely was: "if I was you I wouldn't bother!" In his eyes most of them don't make the effort, so why should he do likewise for them?
I thought afterwards that was about right. I think that, because of my AS, I try to hard to be liked at times and this invites prople to either take me for granted or take advantage. I think that people respect yopu more if you are firm but fair.
He [my boss] spole about one employee (who I have posted about in this forum before) as being "passive-aggressive".
The more I think about it, the more I feel that this applies to me also. At times I am too passive at work; on other occasions, if someone upsets me, I become "passive-aggressive".
I think that the two key variables in their equation relating to Asperger are assertiveness and liking yourself.
The more effective you are with regard to the latter, the more able you are to let the actions and behaviours of other people drift over you.
Very important in a work based context. I think I am getting quite good at not worrying about what other people think of me.
Social Mixing
No, we don't have a social committee at work, but there are lots of informal social events and I am making a conscious decision to attend and be part of them.
Two weeks ago, six of us went out for (a cheap) lunch. It only cost £12 because of a promotion and I got to mix with colleagues outside of my immediate team.
Looking back I cannot emphasise how beneficial this is and how poor I was at it previously. I would invariably - politely - decline invitations to go out, unless it was with the few, close colleagues I worked and felt comfortable with. This was when I found I tended to not be re-invited!
I am getting on well with all the people above. I feel relaxed with them and one helped me greatly with a piece of work I had to submit a month or so ago.
I practice the above (mixing) technique like mad now!!!