Initiating Conflict
One of the things that I have become consciously aware of as I get older is my (unintentional) propensity to exacerbate things and trigger conflict.
This is due to my AS trait of not fully considering(empathising) with the position of others before engaging with them and, perhaps, trusting people too much.
Related to this is the belief that others will be as well meaning - and honest in intention - as me.
To use an example. I will always try to help people when they approach me about an issue and will not take offence easily if they do so.
Some people will though become irritated by being asked for assistance, especially where the requester could, possibly, have done more initially.
Does anyone also experience this and have any suggestions as to ways of combating it?
An Asperger Approach to Conflict
I concur with almost all of this and think that it is very sound advice.
I still find dealing with conflict where there is personal dislike the hardest thing of all as manager with Asperger syndrome. Indeed, I think that the reasons for this emanate largely from the condition:
- quick to take the blame (or to take more than is justified or necessary);
- if the other person is at fault, do not scold (because the other person - often a bully - is "in the wrong" it transgresses our sense of right and justice);
- do not respond if you are angry (there will be emotion in the response and, therefore, less objectivity and impact).
The point about looking for a solution is scarosanct, as is the importance of sticking to facts. These factors relate to the second bullet point above, but are especially hard for someone with AS.
In my next e-letter to be released this week, there is a Q&A session with Nick Dubin, one of the leading authorities on Bullying & Asperger. In the piece Nick emphasises the essentiality of remaining in control. Once you lose this you are totally vulnerable.
The point about managers only refeering if they have to is pertinent but, I believe, can't be entirely accepted. It is a superior manager's duty and responsibility to adjudicate.
In the main case of victimisation and conflict that I personally have been involved in, I was wary about taking the issue higher up as I felt I could be exposed further.
However, looking back, this was the best defensive avenue available to me. The key was however, to remain focused on facts and not to bring the personal issue into the equation. This would have exposed the [factual] inaccuracy of the issue and the personal dislike of me sublimally and not overtly.
Because of this, I think that copying the boss in on any correspondence is sound advice. However, you need to be careful and judge each situation individually: the other person may take exception to seeing a third-party brought into a problem also. Caution is especially justified when dealing with a someone higher up the management scale and who has more, attendant power.
Looking back, I don't think I would have been able to do any of this, as I would not have been able to restrain my emotion due to my insufficient understanding at the time of my condition.
If I had of done so, I would certainly have asked for feedback. When I did in a way confront the person I had a major inter-personal difficulty with, I made the point that I had great respect for his "common sensical" approach to issues - something that I genuinely did.
He thanked me for saying this; something that, at the time, I remember be quite surprised about. It could have been, with hindsight, the approach that saved my career!
Objectivity is crucial; even better, of course, is not getting into such a situation in the first place. Restraining the emotion that goes with having AS is the most important ameliorative factor.
Try to keep an objective point of view
When people talk there is a chance that someone will misinterpret what someone else said. Granted, having AS makes us likely to misstate or misinterpret because of missing the nonverbal component, however it is not a guarantee of guilt. Some people are bullies because that's how they get what they want. It works for them. Bullies will find a way to twist anything you say, AS or NT, and create a conflict where they appear to be the victim. Keep an open mind and don't be too quick to take the blame.
With that in mind, it is easier to control what you say in emails than in person, and they can be printed. Whenever you make a verbal agreement, follow up with an email stating the agreement and ask for confirmation. If a conflict occurs, send an email stating the conflict as you see it and ask for feedback. Make it clear you are looking for a solution to benefit you both. Send a copy to the bosses - it motivates a reply. If you are indeed at fault offer an apology via email and copy the bosses.
If the other person is at fault do not scold or make snide remarks even if the other person does so. Do not email a reply if you are angry - it will show. Do not discuss the other person with anyone else. If your boss asks what you think of that person, point out that no matter what you say you look bad. If you say positive things and the other person says negative things about you, then you are the bad guy. If you say negative things then you're just a meanie-mouth aren't you? Refuse to participate and offer copies of the printed emails.
Managers will not referee disputes among the people who work for them unless they have to. Very few issues are clear-cut and bullies are experts at clouding issues and diverting attention from the facts. They are also experts at building support among other managers. You have to build your own support network as a manager just to get anything done anyway, so your net can be helpful. The support nets will likely overlap, so be sure you have a solid reputation of honesty and integrity with your allies. And no matter what is said, stick to the facts. If you start to get too angry, just excuse yourself with "This is going nowhere." or something similar and calmly walk away.
A recent study shows that an angry person gets favorable treatment over a calm, reasonable one. It shocks the brain and makes it receptive to ideas. Stay with the facts and match the angry tone, but stay in control.
Give as good as you get
Ultimately, the only way of protecting yourself from problems in the workplace is to give as good as you get. I didn't do this during my time in the Royal Marines and it eventually resulted in me getting kicked out after the chain of command ganged up on me.
It is necessary to use the same techniques as the bullies.
For instance, this posting mentioned that bullies are good at getting senior managers onside. Therefore, it is necessary to network with people as high up the chain of command as possible. It is no secret that this world runs on who rather than what you know. I got the job that I will be starting after Christmas by getting my local MP involved, who is well acquainted with the head of my employer: - I had evidence that I could use at a tribunal to give the impression that they had denied me employment on account of having Asperger's syndrome.
It is also necessary to be good at putting your chosen spin on a story so that you appear the victim and the other side looks like the victimiser. Obviously, you have to restrict the information that you promulgate that is likely to give an unfavourable impression of you. Also, give out as much information as possible that portrays the other side in an unfavourable light. At the same time, give the impression that you aren't emotional, because otherwise the game will be up.
It is sometimes necessary to be just as unpleasant in the way you speak to the other side. However, you have launch an attack so that it doesn't look like you are just trying to score points. Ideally, an attack should be pulled off so that no-one can understand why the other side should be upset at what you say and you can therefore act innocent.
At some point, you should take the bully aside and quietly say to him/her that you know what his/her game is and that you are happy to give as good as you get. However, you should also indicate that they have a chance to opt out of the conflict and that this is also the option you would prefer.
A strong dose of underhand tactics and dirty fighting is sometimes necessary. Bullies are less likely to pick on people they know will use underhand tactics to protect their positions.
A useful underhand tactic is to use other underhand tactics and then, when somebody senior is called in to mediate, use the fact that you have Asperger's syndrome to create the false impression that you aren't capable of using underhand tactics and thereby create an illusion of innocence.
If you achieve a victory against someone else, in order that a deterrent effect is achieved, you have to ensure that word gets out about your victory; this can be done by telling the story in passing (obviously so they don't notice your game) to someone who you know is predisposed to gossip, as they will save you the work of spreading the message round yourself. Also, if someone else is spreading the message, it will be less obvious what your game is.
It is necessary to create the impression with people of similar rank/stature/etc that you are not a reasonable person (whilst creating the impression with those above you that you are) and that there will be no room for an informal solution or compromise if they enter into a dispute with you i.e. once the conflict begins, you will fight it through to its bitter conclusion. If people know that entering into conflict with you is a very dangerous business, they will bend over backwards to generate a solution that's acceptable to you before there is any likelihood of conflict. If you are too willing to accommodate people's wishes to avoid conflict, people will quickly establish that a conflict or the threat thereof is the best way for them to get their way with you.
Ideally, the image that it is ideal to project is that yes, you have Asperger's syndrome, but you are nevertheless a dangerous person to mess with. Bullies choose easy targets and fighting fire with fire has a strong deterrent effect.
Nipping Victimisation in the Bud
I think that appreciating where the power lies with these issues is vital.
Standing up to a senior who is bully may well be necessary, but you need to be aware of, and accept, the potential consequences.
In such situations the lesson that I have learned is that it is imperative to nip the situation in the bud by confronting any victimisation higher up as soon as it occurs.
Its not easy - or pleasant - but if you don't it is likely to fester and come back to haunt you later. I have to confess that I have been guilty in the past of not doing this and adopting an "avoidance strategy".
The way an individual deals with this depends, I think, very much on personal circumstance and style.
Personally, I am not cut out for the "fight fire with fire" approach. I find that consciously this inhibits me later: I feel that I have contributed partly towards inflaming the situation and so feel less able to face the other party down!
The best way I have found is to ask, inquire and then state why it is unacceptable to me.
I have tried to lay out my approach in the article "Dealing With Difficult People" included in the November newsletter that I have just sent out. It can be found under the Viewpoint section.
Conflict
I have, in my previous jobs, initiated conflict unintentionally on many occasions. These have been brought about by lack of tact, sympathy, or just plain not knowing the rules of office politics.
On the two occasions when something minor that I did escelated to full blown harrasment on the other person's part, I went to my boss to ask them for help or advice. On the first occasion, my boss completly ignored me, and I filed with corporate a harrasment suit. He got mad that I went over his head and fired me.
On the second occasion, my boss suggested a meeting with her, the other person who was harrasing me, and myself. I thought that this would make matters worse, I didn't want to talk out the problem, I had already with my boss previously, I was at the point where I simply wanted to come to work and not be harrased. My boss refused to do anything, saying that I had brought this on myself and deserved it. i eventually quit soon after because the stress was too much.
I don't really have any advice for you, because I have no idea what I am doing wrong to make my superiors act like this towards me. I think that I am obviously missing something.
Making a Judgement
I think that in every case there comes a time when: a) you have to confront an issue and; b) when the timing is right to do so.
In my own extrme, personal situation, the damage being done to me professionally by a Director was hugely detrimental personally and, also, pertinently, to the corporate good.
It came to head at a major event where a colleague reneged on their word, let me down and subsequently lied. I was personally blamed entirely, and attacked personally, by my protagonist totally.
With hindsight I had "right" totally on my side and, in principle, all the evidence to confront him. Looking back, I should have done so as the relationship was doing irreparable damage.
The key issue was that it was a job that I truly loved. Confronting the issue may well have terminally damaged my career which was something that I didn't want.
Thats' what makes it so hard. However, if it gets to that stage then I believe that you "have" to do it.
Deciding when to do so is incredibly hard and is, of course, entirely up to your own personal take on the situation. Ensuring that - as a person with Asperger - you do not automatically take the blame is a key part of the process.
I agree with Malcom, there
I agree with Malcom, there is a balancing act on when you should speak up for yourself. Many people might be tempted to push you around or, take advantage of you, especially if they know about your AS. It might seem easy to take the blame when there is conflict, to make the matter go away. There is a time when speaking up on your behalf is a must. A person should have a person that they can talk to that wont take sides. This person might be hard to find, because so many people will take the senior managment's side, I have come to notice. I think it's important to remember that you do have a voice, a say, and a right not to be treated harshly or differently.
conflict
I don't do very well in conflict and never have but i learned lots from my husband, who also has AS (undiagnosed) and can have a massively bad attitude. His utterly blunt, brutally truthful, look at life is mind blowing and our son has inherited this. They have the least amount of empathy i have ever met in my life.
The thing is, since I learned about my AS, then my son's, I went through a two year phase of emotional crippledom. In truth, whatever you have, you have to navigate your way around this life. Don't think- or assume- you're being given a hard time because of your AS. People get treated shabbily whatever and whoever they are. Don't use your AS as an excuse not to get back in there and fight. Be positive about who you are and learn to laugh.
Laurie
Assertiveness vs. Diplomacy
I think Rainbow has made some very important points here.
I have been guilty before of assuming that I am automatically to blame when people have had a go at me, when, in fcat, it has been entirely their fault.
We must not assume that our condition means we are to blame: full stop.
If someone else is being unfair, aggressive or is out of order, then it must be challenged.
The key is to make the right decision between being assertive when required and backing off when confronting someone could antagonise the situation uncessarily.
It is also important, of course, to not make excuses and take responsibility when we make an error. When this does occur we WILL know when.
Challenging Someone Senior
I still feel that it is virtually impossible to challenge someone higher up if they have it in for you.
You have to be very, very careful. As Roger Meyer says in the book I have just reviewed this month - Asperger Syndrome Employment Handbook - there is the probablity of revenge later if you "win".
The best defence mechanism I have arrived at to date, is to build a network to help defend yourself.
Inherent within this should be other senior people who your protagonist may think twice himself about upsetting.
However, it still needs to handled very carefully; resolution not "victory" ultimately should be the main objective.
Hard for someone with Asperger though, who has a natural tendency to seek "justice"!!!! Refraining trying to achieve this - which is deep down what we really want - is the personal drive that needs to be exercised.
If someone higher up has it
If someone higher up has it in for you, the best result I think is for one of you to be moved elsewhere, hopefully the bad boss.
In my own experiences, there
In my own experiences, there is nothing you can do if someone hire up has it in for you. You have two options: roll with the punches and potentially be the subject of more abuse and harrasment, or, leave the position and try to find a balance somewhere else. It is also important to not take the "poor poor me' attitude. We are all capable of making mistakes, and part of this treatment might be due in fact to a mistake, social or otherwise that you have made. Soemtimes it is best (and a learning experience) to step up and take the blame for all of the mistakes you have made. What is not okay, however is someone treating you with extreme harshness within the workplace. That is the issue that I think that my previous boss failed to see, and has foreve made her a "bad boss" in my mind. She let her feelings for the other person overrule the duty to have a peaceful work environment cloud her mind.
No way would I take blame if
No way would I take blame if it wasn't my fault. If they didn't like it, too bad.
Blaming Someone Else
The passing the blame/responsibility issue is an important one.
Hard as though it is to accept, some of the most insightful criticism comes from "important others"; people who do have views that need to be respected. They can also be a point of real self-learning if one can be strong enough to face and accept it!
This doesn't mean, as WB quite rightly points out, that you need to accept harsh or unreasonable behaviour, but it should, I believe, mean that you (we) are big enough to recognise constructive criticism when it does arise.
To give an example. A previous antagonist viewed me as reserved and of not holding any views of substance. That was not the case, but the withdrawal that I projected when I first joined the company which was the result of my Asperger - which meant that I was uncertain of my place and others initially - meant that I was regarded as ineffectual. This reduced my standing going forward and was very difficult to subsequently overcome.
This led on to another side however. The person who was critical of me did not know my job. I shouldn't have let my fear of his opinion of me prevent me from "confronting" him professionally. I could have projected gravitas onto him by explaining what my job (Marketing) really involved which would have reduced his capacity to question and undermine me.
The key thing is to focus on, and refer to, the facts when challenging someone. Try very hard not to allow emotion or personal prejudices to cloud the issue.