Gift Giving -Appropriateness?
Hi everyone-
It was recently earlier last month my boss' birthday. I enjoy giving gifts and I like to do so for acquaitences and family members. It really makes me feel pleased to watch another enjoying opening a gift or recieving one. I bought my boss a book on barbequing, something he enjoys. He also recieved from the firm a birthday pie on his actual birthday and that was enjoyed by the rest of the office (me, another boss and the boss in question. We also had visiting attorneys that day). The present arrived this past Monday and was accompanied by a small note that wished him a happy belated birthday from his secretary. Last year we all exchanged presents during the holiday time. Again, both bosses got books from me.
The issue is, to make a long story short, is that my boss approached me this morning to say that he sent the book back for credit in my name, and that it made him uncomfortable accepting it. Can someone clue me in to what I missed here? I feel embarressed now, and I hope that my boss doesn't think I am too forward or that I have a crush on him (I'm happily married!). We generally have a good business relationship and he is always very friendly. My office culture is very relaxed and friendly. I feel that I missed some unwritten clue here. Is a birthday too personal to be giving gifts for?
I think that maybe I am being too "comfortable" and that it might be time to pull back and act a bit more reserved or professional. What do you think?
Giving Down, Not Up!
I think I may be able to offer some insight into this.
In the job which was the most satisfying and enjoyable of my career, I worked for a boss whom I got on really well with, and who was in the main, good to me.
We had a really good relationship and shared many similar outlooks. One of his interests - like mine - was cooking.
The company reached a point where it underwent enormous upheaval. New management came in above us and was headed up by an extraordinarily aggressive and difficult person whose own circumstances had "cut him loose".
He put my boss under such extreme pressure that he made him (I was to learn later) physically ill. The personal and mental pressure he was put under was excessive. In the end, he was moved aside and a new MD appointed.
Because he had had such a rough time, and had been good to me, I considered buying him a book by a well known celebrity chef as he was about to depart. In the end I decided against it. I'm pleased I did.
As he - my boss - was about to leave, he turned on me, accusing me of under-performance. His manager above - who had caused him such anxiety - had a bad opinion of me as he thought I was not doing my job well or correctly. I wasn't; but the company had never given me the chance and so I could'nt defend my position or my boss.
Though my boss a year later apologised to me for what he did, I have often thought how embarrassed I would have been offering him the book. Doing so would have, in effect, been an indirect way of saying that: because we are on good terms, it is harder/not possible for you to make necessary business decisions which may act against me. It would, in other words, have compromised his position
I think that it is acceptable, and right, for a superior manager to present gifts to subordinates - they don't have to - and cannot - directly take decisions that may impact against the person higher up.
I used to always give my staff a small present at Christmas, but would never gift someone higher up except in exceptional circumstances (when someone retires for example) for the above reason.
This may be even more pertinent for someone with Asperger. When my boss turned on me, it hurt me greatly personally as I simply couldn't understand it; it was something that I could never contemplate doing to someone I liked and who had been good to me.
I was interpreting the circumstances from an internal perspective of course!
Insight
Thanks, that helps clear things up. Maybe I should just extend my gift giving zeal to peers and family members. I think that it would have been more appropriate to give a nice card, or even a gift card to a coffee shop instead of a book.
Playing Safe
I think that it is always better to err on the side of caution with these things and play safe.
Gift Giving
In our office we rarely give out gifts unless if it's for a "Christmas grab bag", a very special birthday or if someone is leaving (or retiring). For me I only give out gifts to people at my job only for big occasions. Usually what we also do in our area is have everyone (if they want) give some money for someone to buy a present for that individual.
To be honest, I think I'm missing something with your situation. I don't really understand why your boss would approach you with something like this. Did everyone else give presents to him during his birthday?
Gifts
As far as I know, the firm gave him a birthday cake, he chose a pie. I'm not sure if the other attorney gave him anything. This is a small satellite office - a state away from the corporate office. I can understand if he didn't like it, wouldn't he quietly re-gift it if that was the case? I'm not sure in which way I made him uncomfortable. Did he think that I was hitting on him? Is it innappropriate for a scretary to give someone a gift? Was it because he's my boss? Is it because I am female and he is male? I'm not sure. I just want this to be clear with me so I don't unneccessarily make anyone else feel uncomfortable.
I'm sorry to say but male
I'm sorry to say but male chauvinism hasn't died a death just yet. Much of it probably had to do with the fact that you were a female and he a male and I think his approach was incredibly tactless and quite arrogant.
Don't ever think you did anything wrong by being caring and thoughtful in choosing a gift you believed he would like. It was he who made himself feel uncomfortable and not you.
Unfortunately, I've run into a couple of similar situations but maybe not quite as bad and it seems to be a power trip thing (even if subconsciously). I felt very hurt and insulted for quite a while until I realised it was not me who had the problem.
Re: Gifts
See with the situation at hand I would have a hard time figuring out why he would give your gift back to you with no clear explanation. Who knows. Maybe he didn't like it, maybe he felt it was too much, maybe he felt it wasn't appropriate for some reason or maybe there are rumors going around or something.
Plus it seems like no one else really gave presents. Maybe it was a awkward situation to accept a gift only from you.
I don't know your boss or the office too well to really make judgment.
Maybe the others in the group can shed some light on this one.
I think it was actually
I think it was actually quite rude of this boss to send back his gift and tell you he did it. I can't see anything wrong with the gift idea but if the boss wanted to send the book back for credit, he could have just told a little fib and said he already had a copy at home.
It's just another example of stupid game playing and there was no need for him to have been so tactless. He should have accepted the gift graciously in the spirit in which it was given. It's not as if he didn't accept the credit - if he really didn't want the gift at all, he would have returned it to the person who gave it to him.
Sounds like a bit of puffed up self importance to me.
As for the situation of being given a Christmas bonus and either accepting it or sending it to a nominated charity, I don't agree with the idea that staff should have had to make a decision that everybody knew about. It puts too much pressure on those who want to keep the money.
I think charitable donations are a private matter and who knows? Some staffers might have liked to donate some of the bonus to charity and kept some for their own needs.
Corporate Gift Giving/Taking
There was an interesting variation on this at work this week.
The company gives its employees a Christmas present. This year they offered employers the opportunity to either take the gift or have a donation made to a pre-designated charity. It was one that I hadn't heard of before.
Thinking that it would look less than good if I chose the personal gift - especially as I have only just started - I opted for the charitable donation.
An e-mail came around yesterday from the CEO saying that a number of people had expressed disquiet about the choice as it - in effect - forced them to choose the charity.
What caused discomfort in particular was that many people had their own charity to which they solely made donations and didn't like being inveigled into being asked to contribute to one that was not of their choice. This certainly applied to me.
Anyway, the CEO has asked for the offer to be re-circulated and highlighted the importance of people not feeling guilty about choosing the personal option.
I am going to alter my decision!
That was nice that you were
That was nice that you were given the choice, but I can see how it would guilt people into choosing something else. My husband and I give to a charity, but I am not sure that I would want to give up my special Christmas bonus, that can really help us out with bills and such, to a charity designated by the company.