Explanations
One of my colleagues in my old company has been "difficult" for a while. He was regarded as moody, tempermental and, in some ways, immature.
My boss in particular found him quite difficult. I can remember him [my boss] saying that he questioned himself as to whether he was partly responsible for the friction that sometimes resulted.
In these situations I have usually assumed also that I am partly to "blame" or have believed that because of my AS I have, in part at least, contributed towards it.
Today my boss said that my colleagues's marriage was - sadly - breaking down and that this had contributed to his emotions and behaviour. My colleague apparently apologised for this.
In the past I have significantly failed to try and place myself in the shoes of other people. This example has highlighted the need/benefit of doing so and how I must not automatically allow myself to do so.
I am going to try and make this my first reaction/intention/priority from here on in.
This is always difficult.
This is always difficult. It is always hard for me to anticipate how someone else is going to react to my actions or words. It always comes a second too late as I realize that I have put my foot in my mouth.
The thing is, I often don't
The thing is, I often don't have any idea of what others are thinking and unless they say what is going on, how would I know?
Safe Parameters
I think that the key here is to keep within safe parameters.
What I mean by this is behaving in a way that is uncontentious and doesn't ruffle any feathers.
In one of my previous companies I took over from a really lovely old gentleman. Rupert was from the old school. He never got embroiled in politics, never took offence and didn't say anything disparaging about anyone.
On occasions he took a bit of flak of course, but he kept in in perspective, kept his head down and stayed secure and largely out of the fray.
Not so easy if you have AS of course; there is a much higher propensity to react to things and let comments/people/issues bother you.
But, if you can do this, it makes life a lot easier and putting up with the occasional piece of hassle (providing you don't let people go too far of course) means that you can keep your position.
Good Philosophy
I think I can agree Malcolm with this philosophy that Rupert had. Try your best not to get involved with politics, don't let things get to you, don't say anything bad about anybody, keep to yourself and do your job. This is easier said than done for many reasons of course but I do agree if you take this philosophy (or even a little bit of it) it can work in many cases.
How To Win Friends and Influence People
There is a very famous book called How to Win Friends and Influence People by a guy called Dale Carnegie.
Its quite old as it was written in the 1950's and he talks about these exact points.
His six key principles to make people like you are:
* become genuinely interested in other people;
* smile;
* be a good listener. Encourage others to talk abiut trhemselves;
* talk in terms of the other person's interests;
* make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.
These are such valuable suggestions in the world of of work. In addiiton ...... also having Asperger.
* Empathise - acknowldge, ask, show interest in other people;
* Listen - really listen, concentrate on what other people are saying and try to ascertian the underlying messages behind the words;
* Talk about their interests - NOT - just ours;
* Try to make them feel important - like we feel and want to be about ourselves!
Dale Carnegie
I'm glad you brought Dale Carnegie up. I read this book and his book about Public Speaking a number of years ago. Even though the books are from 1950's a lot of what he says is true and can apply to today's world. I haven't read one of his books in a while. As soon as I saw this posting about Dale Carnegie I remembered the books I read.
Actually there's still a organization that trains people based on Carnegie's theories and methods. I think his children run it and I hear it's very good.
The Old Lessons
Its strange because I am doing a lot of preparation in my new job to deliver course work which involves reading a lot of the "latest" theory and commentary relating to management.
Its been a while since I last did this, but what is striking me is how straightforward and simply common sensical it all is!
In a way I feel that it is making it all more complicated that it is, and needs, to be.
Like the Dale Carnegie book I am coming to rely more and more on simple, old and established adages like "there's no smoke without fire" or "like father like son".
Many of Carnegie's themes ring especialy true for someone with AS. I particulary like the "don't get into arguments in the first place".
Oh, some people will take
Oh, some people will take offence even you are the mildest person ever. Maybe it is some kind of implied reproach when you are nice and they aren't acting so honourably or considerately and they then project their bad feelings onto you.
I agree that if you know for sure that some behaviour of yours irritated others in the past, it's best to avoid it. Of course, much easier said than done.
Balance - Again!
Oh, this is so true also isn't it. Its about finding the right balance and that is really difficult.
I think a key facet is trying to be genuine. What I mean by this is showing interest in people, acknowledging them etc - as I have posted above - but not trying so hard as to appear desperate.
Being ourselves is so important also ......... its what we also want to be!
What if I'm not very
What if I'm not very interested in other people? I can't fake it if I'm not.
Being Yourself - and the Consequences
I understand why you say this and think that there is nothing wrong with the view and the position you have adopted.
Being ourselves is, of course, in a way the only thing that someone with Asperger can do.
However, I have found that in the workplace there are consequences and invariably negative ones at that.
I think that the balance I have tried to strike is being myself but - perhaps - mitigating some of the downsides that have caused issues for me at work previously. Refraining from stating contentious opinions is one of them.
At the very least I have found it very beneficial to understand more closely what the possible consequences are.
If I cared too much about
If I cared too much about the consequences, I'd get even more anxious than I currently am. It's a case of not being able to take on any more issues. That doesn't mean that I totally ignore how others might react to what I say - it just means I don't have the mental and emotional reserves to constantly second-guess myself.
I found this out the hard way after getting burnt out several times after spending too much time trying to please everybody.
Similar Strategy
This is a similar strategy to what I have gradually come to adopt over time.
You can't worry about what other people think too much and, if you do, it deflects resource (cognitive) away from more important matters.
In a work context what I have found is that thinking about the - possible - consequences can contribute to them actually coming about. I suspect that this is via actions or behaviours - albeit sublminal - that others observe that derive from unconscious thought patterns.
I've learnt something actually related to this this Christmas. I haven't received cards from two or three people I'd really expect to; one is a really close friend going back years from school.
I sometimes think that if I didn't make the ongoing effort I would never hear from the latter again. Of course, this may be just due to the passage of time or the fact that he has other priorities, but I have come to appreciate more readily that you can expect to have few, true friends.
At work this is exacerbated of course. As an ex-colleague once said: "you are on your own in this world" - I certainly believe that this is true in the work environment (even though there may be one or two exceptions), and I try to work with this in mind.
I find this approach safer!
I think over the years some
I think over the years some friends just slowly slip away and it also reminds me that I still need to send a couple of late Christmas cards (should call them New Year Cards now).