Doing What Is Required
Submitted by Malcolm on Fri, 06/15/2007 - 07:00.
At a trade event yesterday I was slow to start to mix and make contact with people.
I knew that I had to do it (that was why as I was there) and also knew from past experience that I could do it successfully. So I am asking myself why I was slow to kick in?
I know that socialising is not an innate skill for someone with AS but I can't use that as an excuse in a work context.
The key is to make the first move and approach people; once I have done that I start to feel more confident. I also find that asking about the other person and their role/organisation is very helpful.
In the past I have also tended to allow my AS to focus on my agenda only which, of course, doesn't make for great socialising.
Does anyone else have any advice of insight?
Knowing when to contribute
I also find it hard to know when to say something in a large meeting or informal social situation. I'm alright at listening, but I seem to take so long to process what's being said and then test various possible responses in my mind. If the other people stay on the same subject for long enough, then I usually find a suitable response. In my mind I might test a possible response against a list similar to this:
- Will it offend?
- Will I appear a fool?
- Is it a helpful contribution to the topic of conversation?
I think this process is a little like a chess player assessing the best move by playing out various options. Does anyone else adopt this strategy in social situations.
Business vs. Social
There is a salient difference between business and social scenarios.
With the latter, I think you just need to be yourself. I don't feel any pressure to say important things; just chat.
In a business context such as a meeting, I think that it is important to contribute and, perhaps more importantly for someone with Asperger syndrome, to be seen to be contributing. If not it can create an impression of disinterest and ineffectiveness.
The key objective for me is ensuring that any contribution is of value and relevance to the situation. In the past, I have to confess that I have been guilty of making comments that have not been.
If I am unsure of what to say, or don't feel I can contribute anything that is directly relevant, a useful tactic that I deploy is asking questions.
This gets me involved, creates the impression that I am interested and, projects the impression to others - especially important others who tend to dominate such discussions - that I respect and appreciate what they say.
Foreground/ background
I know I need to but I have not learn how to pace myself in social situations. Sometimes I am slow to get started and get frustrated and so become more involved towards the end. At other times I charge in and I'm very vocal and involved but this often leaves me exhausted.
I was at a one day course with familiar collegues recently and I got really involved at the start, but after lunch I just wanted to go to sleep I was so tired.
On previous courses I might have sat and listened during the first half and then got frustrated and then gone for the course leader after lunch.
The same is true in everyday work. If I am either over enthusiastic at the start of the day or later in the day. never balanced throughout the day.
me too!
Very much my experience as well. I interpret it as largely attributable to introversion; I can only do, and only want, a certain, limited amount of social interaction per day, and after that I'm exhausted by the effort and can only withdraw or fall asleep.
Also the lack of modulation of intensity of attention, swinging from one extreme to the other. It has happened to me so many times, in long days spent in planning meetings. One moment I'm virtually taking over the meeting, asking all the questions and being a fountain of ideas, half an hour later, I'm away with the fairies, not a clue as to what people round me are saying.
Peter
Just Doing a Little
I find myself in this situation a lot.
My wife says that I start off in a conversation, say what I want and then switch off!
A lot of the time it is because I just want to listen. The impresssion I project however, is that I am disinterested in what is going on - or more pertinently - in other people! I have come to appreciate that this really does send a weak signal.
What I now do is just interject occasionally. It may be just to say "I agree with that" or "I think you make a very valid point John".
Either way it keeps me involved and acknowledges - and so doesn't alienate - fellow colleagues.
Socialization
I have problems with this too. I guess most Aspies have this difficulty. I tend to just be quiet and listen to what other people are saying. I try to jump in when I agree with something, strongly disagree with something, can relate to something, need clarification or need to ask a question. At times (recently) I try to push myself a bit to introduce myself more, tell things about myself and ask the other people questions about themselves. Believe me it's easier said than done.
It Becomes Easier
I think that more than any other area, socialising is the one that does become easier the more I practice.
I am not saying that it is easy - for someone with Asperger it never will be entirely - but as I have done more I have felt more comfortable doing so.
More than anything else, I have come to appreciate the importanc eof doing it. Specifically, maybe, of not doing it.
It is only in the last few months that I have come to understand that sitting back, being quiet and just watching can - very un-intentionally, send the message that I am indifferent, aloof and - arrogant.
Of course, that is the last thing I have intended or wanted to do, but I have come to understand that that is the way that some other people perceive it.
"The best way to help others is to help yourself" as they say. I now approach people, I enquire about them and show interest. Nothing contentious, just be open and pleasant but, above all, be seen and viewed as approachable.
It works in the vast majority of cases and really reduces the "differentness" and withdrawal impression that Asperger syndrome can sometimes send out and which can be so detrimental in the workplace.
Proactivity
I signed up for two social functions this week.
The first is a general drinks event that I am goung to go to next Tuesday evening. It has been arranged by a girl in the office whom I really like. She has also just been promoted so it could be a good political move also!
The other one is for a leaving do next month. I don't work directly with the person who is leaving, so I have not been especially close to him.
However, as visitors to my site will know, I now go to as many social events as I can as I believe them to be hugelt advantageous to me both directly and indirectly.
I am going to go with a positive frame of mind also in order to get the most out of them.
Keeping at It
I looked at this posting again and it reminded me of this topic and the need to keep at this.
One of the things that I find I do as someone with Asperger sundrome is that I resolve to do something, make a start but then, over time, I do not keep at it sufficiently.
Socialising is a prime example. I missed some work drinks this week. To be fair the notice period given was very short and I simply couldn't make it, but I didn't inform the person who had taken the trouble to arrange that I was unable to attend - error!
The other thing is that Christmas is fast approaching. This "is" an important time and one when one really does, I believe, need to make the effort.
I am not going to the formal company Christmas function this year because logistically I simply can't get there and back in time given its distance from where I live.
However, there will be other occasions and I am going to proactively seek them out and participate.
I don't know if this is
I don't know if this is normal for an aspie but I generally cannot predict very far ahead how I will feel on any given day. This is because I can be feeling fine but then something seemingly minor puts me right off balance.
After some reflection, I will realise there has been a series of events/unexpected and unsettling changes that occurred but I was unaware of their impact and just shut off.
Conversely, I might be feeling really unhappy but a kind word or gesture from another person really lifts my state of mind.
I don't know how to will myself to feel good if I feel rotten but going to social events can certainly act as a distraction. It is important to have somewhere quiet to go if the noise and social interaction gets too much but it helps if you have a list of topics to discuss with others (only try not to make it too obvious).
The bits before and after a
The bits before and after a meeting (i.e. the un-structured, non-agenda ones) have always been the hardest for me to deal with.
I cannot do small-talk - I don't know when to start talking, or when to stop. I also find starting a conversation difficult if, say, there are a group of four or five people around chatting. I normally just act dumb, and listen. Usually, this is not because I don't have anything to contribute, but because I am fearful of cutting across and talking over someone else. I don't pick up the invisible clues as to when it is allowed for the next person to start talking.
I am much more confident when doing structured presentations to crowds - this holds no fear for me at all.
Doing what is required
That kind of unstructured, non agenda stuff is dreadful, isn't it? The mingling with snacks and a drink.... shriek! A good ice breaker is, "Do you find these meetings can be overwhelming?" If teh person you ask gets on okay and enjoys them, you can find out the secret of their success and if they don't, you can sympathize with each other and work out an escape plan.
How do you get on in discussion groups? I bet you rather enjoy those because they tend to be 'chaired' and everyone gets a turn to voice their opinion. I was at one of those with my husband the other day and came away feeling really satisfied.
Laurie
Overcoming Personal Resistance
I went to the annual reunion of my old BBC Dept yesterday.
To be honest I didn't feel like going beforehand. It meant travelling up to London in very inclement weather and I had learnt that a number of people had dropped out beforehand: I felt like following suit.
I forced myself to go for two reasons. Firstly, my ex-boss is a great bloke who was very supportive of me and so I wanted to reciprocate that support. The event really means a lot to him and I know how disappointed he is when things don't go as well as he would hope.
Secondly, I have come - over time - to areally ppreciate as someone with Asperger Syndrome just how important these things are from a personal perspective and how benefical/valuable they can be. I am seen to be mixing, they improve my social skills and - as I very much felt yesterday at the end of the event - I felt part of the team and "on-board".
It was also a great networking event and means of letting people know that I am back in the job market and receptive to anything they hear about on ther grapevine.
Great networking.
The Christmas Party
Its the staff Christmas party next week.
I was going to be away but I am going to come in for it.
AS message!
Christmas Parties for me
Our division at the college is going to have a Christmas party on December 21. I don't know what our office or the center we're in is going to do this year. I'm not much for parties or even in a very Christmas mood but I will attend the Divisional party and see what happens with any other parties.
If I was away I would probably not go to any parties at work, since I'm on vacation enjoying myself on my own. I give you credit.
Discussion Groups
Yes, these can be beneficial - if chaired correctly - otherwise they can be shambolic. If the chair allows everyone have their say, then they are a positive part of a meeting.