Difficult People
No-one has posted anything on this forum which, given the prevalence of workplace bullying and certain aspects of the Asperger character, does somewhat surprise me.
I am going to write an article for this month's newsletter about "difficult people" and the problems that I have had in dealing with them.
Whenever I have encountered difficulties in the workplace, it has usually been with "important other" types: those people who are either dominate or who exert strong influence within the company.
I have come to believe that there is something in my approach that triggers a negative reaction in such personalities.
It may be my logical view of situations and related fairness: I have done nothing directly to offend that person so they have no right to challenge or question me. I think that the Asperger trait of pronounced "right and wrong" also comes into play.
All of this is largely irrelevant in a corporate context of course, where egos and power structures predominate.
Would appreciate anyone else's views on this.
Bullying/ intimidation
I frequently struggle to understand the difference between bullying, intimidation, etc. and typical NT motivation and advice. I often take great offence when offered advice or become extremely unhappy when criticised. However when I get a chance to re- evaluate the situation I sometimes feel I was right, but at other times I realise that in their own way the other person might have been trying to help me. For myself this is frequently a very confusing situation.
Give as good as you get
So far, my time in the career world has taught me that if I do not give as good as I get, I am inviting trouble later on. It happened during my time in my last permanent job: - when someone spoke inappropriately to me about my A.S., I complained and it was very well dealt with. However, I didn't complain about the dishonesty of people working above me regarding the reports they wrote about me. As a result, the top brass believed the reports and I was sacked.
However, I believe that after the fuss I kicked up to get my current job (which involved threatening legal action and getting my MP involved) means that the management in my company not bother messing me around unless they really are prepared to follow it through right until the end. So far, life with my current employer has been mostly peaceful, which I am very grateful for.
Whilst I am a religious man, I think it is preferable in the world of work to get a few people's backs up by standing your ground than it is to do things that say that you're an easy target.
In the Right Way
I am inclined to agree with this.
However, as I think I have mentioned before, it is vitally important to go about it the right way; if you don't standing up for yourself can be equally detrimental.
I think the key is assertiveness not aggression. The latter is a natural reaction for someone with ASD if they are being personally attacked but is usually counter-productive.
I do believe that if you start getting grief then you must counter it immediately. Central to this is bringing in others - your line manager or HR - and being seen to be trying to resolve the matter constructively.
Unfortunatly bullying has
Unfortunatly bullying has become a workplace phenomenon. It was hard for me to distinguish constructive critiscm between general dislike of what I was doing. I think bullying can be catagorized as anything that demeans your spirit, i.e. talking about your intelligence, making fun of your project or the way you do things.
Not Reacting
I think that the key think is to not react and return in the right way.
If you have a "meltdown" approach and get agitated it signals to the other person that you are concerned and, therefore, vulnerable. This invites further retaliation.
On the other hand it is vital to be assertive and respond and not adopt an "avoidance strategy", this only makes the situation worse.
The best way I have found is to remain calm, stick to the facts and state firmly that this is unacceptable and that you object to it. Tryng also to not give any indication that you dislike the person personally or are not willing to retan good relations is also important.
Not easy for someone with AS of course, but it can be done and it is a vital skill to build and develop in a work context.
Not Reacting
I think that the key think is to not react and return in the right way.
If you have a "meltdown" approach and get agitated it signals to the other person that you are concerned and, therefore, vulnerable. This invites further retaliation.
On the other hand it is vital to be assertive and respond and not adopt an "avoidance strategy", this only makes the situation worse.
The best way I have found is to remain calm, stick to the facts and state firmly that this is unacceptable and that you object to it. Tryng also to not give any indication that you dislike the person personally or are not willing to retan good relations is also important.
Not easy for someone with AS of course, but it can be done and it is a vital skill to build and develop in a work context.
But why should we have to
But why should we have to put up with obnoxious people if we don't have to? I don't mean those who are somewhat annoying but those whose actions are truly poisonous. We are typically very emotionally vulnerable and so the less time we are exposed to such people, the better.
No Option
This is one of the hardest issues for a person with Asperger syndrome to answer in the first place.
The short answer to your question is: because we have no choice!
Funnily enough I was discussing something similar with a colleague at work in relation to a problem that my wife and I have with a difficult neighbour in the condominium we live in.
This person will simply not abide by the rules. They ignore them, refuse direct requests to comply and will not consider reasonable requests.
Basically, there is nothing we can do. If we go down the legal route shoe will fight it and the ultimate outcome is that you end up expending huge amounts of emotional energy to achieve what, ultimately, may only be a phyrric victory.
Its the same in an employment context if you have a totally unreasonable manager. They have the power and, if you fight them, they will probably see to it you lose.
The problem with having Asperger is that it compounds the problem. If I feel someone is doing me a wrong it will - because of my pronounced sense of right and wrong - feel that an injustice has been done to me. This will cause residual, long lasting grief.
What I now do is, if you come across a manager like this, extricate myself asap. I am ruthless about this and there is a chapter in my book Managing With Asperger Syndrome that explains why.
If you cannot extricate yourself from it - because of the dire economic conditions currently for example - then the best idea is to avoid a confrontation in the first place: be nice to that perosn and hide discontent so as to not antagonise them.
In the meantime look around for another job and, when you have secured one, leave on your own tersm.
Obnoxious Work People
This is a very interesting posting but needs, in my opinion, to be qualified and placed in a work context!
The problem is that at work you will always come across people like this but cannot largely avoid them.
Shortly after leaving the BBC, I did a short-term contract with a book publisher. It ended prematurely after they made a couple of complaints against me so in resigned.
One of the complaints was made by a very domineering, quite frankly bully. I was instructed by my then boss to visit an area and a representative who reported into this person.
Being new to the job meant that I was not yet up to speed with the politics of the situation (though I believe I should have sussed this before as a result of my previous experience), and so didn't inform the bullying superior beforehand - nor did the person (who was a Director) who sent me to see the rep suggest that I do so either.
Needless to say the bullying manager didn't like it and made an allegation against me that I was arrogrant - an assertion that the Director who asked me to undertake the visit in the first-place said "surprised her". I was put through a formal disciplinary hearing because of this (and the other issue) as a consequence.
Its all an occupational workplace hazard of course and, most of the time, difficult to avoid! As managers with AS I believe that we need to develop the political inter-perosnal skills to recognise and come to terms with them.
Bullying
Ah, I am but a small cog in the wheels of my workplace and not a managerial person so I can request to be moved away from a person who gives me a hard time. It does help.
But at the time when one least expects it, there are still pitfalls.
For instance, I recently went away for nearly 6 weeks holidays. During that time, I was in weekly phone contact with the co-worker who sat next to me and she warned me that a lot of the publications stored near my desk were going to be moved to another area and that another lady in the team was very upset about this.
She assured me I had nothing to worry about so I wasn't worrying. Across from my desk, we also had a team filing cabinet with cardboard boxes of Christmas decorations and birthday stuff such as candles, banners, and balloons.
I had spent nearly all my break times at work decorating all the boxes with papier mache to make them look pretty.
Anyway, when I got back, I was informed we were going to get about 90 temp staff to help us out this financial year and would have to do further clearing away.
When our systems were down on the Thursday, I got in to find two ladies with all the boxes loaded onto a trolley, heading to the basement where they assured me, all the boxes would be "filed safely". I had already objected to the co-worker I was in phone contact with that I didn't like the idea of the boxes being in the basement because somebody might throw them away.
I also had to take some items to the basement and noted that "my" boxes were nowhere to be found. Then, I was looking in the rubbish skips because I needed to throw out a broken plastic storage box and in the last one, I found all the boxes.
I don't know how to post pictures onto this forum but the biggest box in particular was obviously not one that was meant to be disposed of.
When I came upstairs on the warpath, I was told "to calm down" and my co-worker got cross with me when I said "how can I trust anybody - they lied to me" and so on. It was made out to be my fault because I didn't just take it lying down.
Not long after that, the manager said because of the temps we would most likely have to share our workstations, even if we got in just a little bit late. I am a late starter but then I work back later to make up the time and this is allowed where I work.
So over the period of a few days, I was getting more and more depressed and anxious and a few "mind monsters" were resurfacing. I contacted my disability support officer because I felt all my concerns were not being taken seriously and I was being fobbed off. She had a talk with my boss and I think the matter is mostly sorted.
One of the women who tossed my stuff refers to Aspergers as my "complaint" and never misses an opportunity to gossip about and run others down. The other lady probably didn't realise anything.
We had a third of our team moved into new areas and got five new people, some of whom are quite noisy. The people around me talk loudly on the phone but my boss said to come to him if I have any issues with noise. I just don't want them to think I'm a dobber and I did raise concerns about one of them last year and he didn't do anything.
It seems as if it is a constant battle even when one has an official diagnosis and clearly written recommendations from the psychiatrist and Commonwealth Medical Officer (the same person).
Internal and External Responses
There are two issues for me here.
The first is your own response which is how I would have felt: i.e. get angry. Its a natural reaction for someone with AS, but can be detrimental.
In these situations what I "try" to do is remain calm and ascertain, firstly, the facts. Why have the boxed been moved this way - this isn't what I expected or was told would happen? Can you please say why?
Depending on the answer the next thing would be to communicate your pleasure directly to your superior.
Which leads to the second point. I have learnt to always pass - legitimate - complaints up the line (confidentially) to my superior; there is no need, I feel, to let anyone else get involved!
This way it keeps others out of the equation; especially those who may be prone to criticise. It also ensures that it gets less complicated.
Last week a really nice, intelligent colleague left work. He was very unhappy about the way he had been treated. The company had reneged on its word - after he had agreed to stay on after resigning as a favour/loyalty to the company. He was also not informed about changes.
He wrote a very objective, polite and factually based e-mail saying why he was leaving. He did not criticise anyone personally; he simply stated the facts, complimented the customers and said how much he had enjoyed working for the company and with his colleagues. But that what he superior had told him was not what eventually happened.
He also.......... copied the CEO in to ensure that the powers that be knew all about his displeasure!
Ways and means.
I know what you mean Malcolm
I know what you mean Malcolm - I have experienced similar, particularly in New Zealand because I had advanced qualifications (BA Oxon. and PhD) and experience, and the other people I worked with hadn't - and as a consequence were inclined to feel insecure and desirous to oust me lest I outshone them and blocked their career path. I felt shunned and despised for being a goody-two-shoes who always worked to the rules and told the truth.
Peter
I have found that bullying
I have found that bullying takes place when other people are intimidated by the person being bullied in some way. Has anyone else found this to be true? The bully is insecure about something and has to try to make up for it by hurting another.
Defensive Bullying
I think that this often true.
However, in a work context it often involves what I call "defensive bullying" and can be, especially for someone with AS, hard to comprehend and therefore deal with.
Most people define bullying as someone putting others down for enjoyment or to, say, elevate their own persona.
In a workplace setting I have found that it often revolves around "projecting" something away from themselves on to others to prevent them experiencing it.
For example, in my book Managing with Asperger Syndrome I speak extensively about how Bill targeted me detrimentally from a personal perspective.
After I left the company a year or two later one ex-colleague told me that he had to have someone to do this to as "if its your fault it can't be his". (Apparently, it was my colleague before I arrived and Bill switched his focus to me).
What made it so difficult for me as a person with Asperger syndrome to counter was that Bill was not an overtly unpleasant or nasty person. So why would he do this - there must be a justifiable reason?
A few years back I worked in a temp job packing. There was a guy there who was an out-and-out, overt bully. Because he was so blatantly so, I could conceptualise and departmentalise it in my mind. So, though his behaviour towards me wasn't pleasant, it didn't unduly worry me. It was clearly "him" and not me.
With Bill it was different. His actions seriously unnerved me and undermined my position and self confidence. He was a mature, "reasonable" person, so why would he select me? It must have been down to something in me that meant I was "wrong".
My point is that because we are self-aware of inner differences we can perceive ourselves to be lesser as a result and, therefore, less willing and able to stand up to it. In a work context this can be very detrimental.
The starting point for dealing with all of this I have found is to not allow oneself to feel inadequate or automatically to blame in any way.
Doing so means you do have the sense of right on your side or the self perception that you are not to blame. Not doing so sends the message that you are susceptible and so likely to be targeted.
Bullying
I agree with very much most of what has been said on this thread so far. To add a few comments:
1 Suggest considering the relative power of yourself and the individual concerned. If you are peers, then I think that a direct approach is important. Take care not to do anything that could put you bad light e-.g. Over reacting. I sometimes find it helpful to separate out from the factual ‘what happened’ conversation, from the ‘how we are feeling element’ responding in problem solving mode to the former. Regarding the emotional element, have a series of simple scripts that can be adapted. E.g.:
• I am sorry you feel this way about x –its also difficult for me
• When you did (or said, or wrote x) this concerned me. I felt this could get in the way of us focusing on how to solve this problem. (In this case x is a behaviour like rudeness, blaming etc. – describe the behaviour rather than labelling it and do not characterise the person as ‘rude’ ‘a bully’ or whatever).
• If a member of your team is attacked see the bully on their behalf without taking over responsibility completely for managing the situation
2 Regarding someone who is more powerful (e.g. your boss’ new boss in a takeover) consider indirect routes e.g.:
• Who gets on well with them – can you form a good relationship with them
• Be sympathetic to colleagues who oppose them but avoid getting positioned as part of their camp – e.g. don’t make alliances as these could be reported back
• Make sure your understand their agenda – what are they trying to achieve and how can you help with it
• Pick up language, frameworks etc that they like so you can use them in any presentation to them while not overdoing it
• Try to find something about them you like or admire (it could be what they are trying to achieve rather than a personal characteristic) – it will make it easier to come across as positive – in general I think most of us find it hard to hide our true feelings for a long time.
Response
A few observations on this excellent submission.
Over-reacting? A complete no-no! I have come to appreciate that virtually no matter what the provocation do not react. You lose gravitas if you do and - as Nick Dubin says in a recent Q&A
http://www.aspergermanagement.com/anxiety-work - you "give power away".
When trying to relay a concern about something unacceptable to someone I always try to use the word "understand" [them]. This is powerful as it conveys a sense of empathy, mitigates the egocentric stance of the Asperger personality and takes the sting out of interpersonal disputes/disagreements in a work context.
My only caveat with labelling the behaviour not the bully is that, with an extreme bullying personality, there is usually (in my experience) little you can do to reason with them, especially if, as a person with AS the communication limitations that are sometimes apparent are present.
In the latter situation, I find that your next suggestion: "find something you like or is positive about them" is a better tactic. It plays to their ego and takes the edge somewhat of any personal attack.
Thats' if you are personally able to compromise the sense of wrong that results from having Asperger and keep counsel of course!
Diffcult people
Thanks Malcolm - I think your point about the word 'understand' is crucial. I sometimes use sentences such as - please help me check out that I have got this right - your main concern is x and when you did y your intention was to achieve z. (In this exammple y is the unacceptable behaviour).
If they agree the conversation can then be moved on to a discussion of alternative ways of achiving z.
I think there are further issues about the nature of the encounter .
E-Mail feels easist but can be very dangerous as it leaves a record . I think that it is useful to develop a set of personal rules re e-mail e.g.never write anything that could be used against you . Have a standard responses that you adapt e.g. I am sorry you feel that way - what would makes things better for you (in repsonse to a non specific rant )
With the telephone I use a hands free set so I can look things up. in some cases I have a paper checklist to remind me of dos and dont's on of them being Pandora's point about self worth .
Face to face is hardest. Take someone with you if you can. If possible have a pre agreed agenda and somthing - e.g a few slides or a short paper to talk to . Ask questions and always try to bring the conversation back to the porbelm tobe solved .
Some people are just
Some people are just obnoxious and rude acting. It's not automatically our fault if we run into such people as they will find a way to make you out to be in the wrong whatever you do.
The best thing is to keep well out of their way; I do realise though it isn't always possible. The important thing is to keep telling yourself "I am a person of worth".
I'm not actually interested
I'm not actually interested in being understanding beyond the basics ie. the other people might have seen the boxes as clutter and thought it was okay to throw them away. My manager was away so I couldn't speak to him. I did talk to another manager on the same day (he is now my manager) and he was sympathetic.
Strangely enough, some people said I could not work with him because he can be blunt but he has been very kind to me always.
I think it is important to avoid going into full meltdown mode (and I didn't but I got physical symptoms such as stomach ache & head ache) but acting wimpy doesn't help either because then others will see us as a pushover next time.