Conflict Situations
Often I lie awake at night and my thoughts drift back to two situations in past jobs where things went terribly wrong and I would like to see what you guys would have done in these situations and if you can offer any advice.
#1. In my first real job as a young person, I worked as a receptionist at a commisary facility with a small office that was hooked to a large warehouse. No one seemed to like me in this office, my boss thought that my actual work was great, but everyone else thought that I didn't belong. Among my problems were 'being depressed and unfriendly'. I am not an "A" type personality and will never be. I enjoyed the job and even the people until one event started to change everything. A new salesperson was hired. She was extremly agressive and bossy as well as rude. She intimidated everyone in the office and used her power of meaness to put me down in several ways. She commented negitivly on my dress, age, education and intelligence. This is considered harrassment and I went to my boss about it. He listened but basically told me to deal with it. The situation got worse to the point where the other sales staff picked up on the vibe and started calling me in and berating me on the same things, and even calling corporate up to say un-true things about my demeanor and work habits. Corporate soon came by for a visit to check up on things, and since the situation hadn't changed, I talked to HR about getting something done. My boss at that time had recently begun yelling at me every chance he got. To make a long story short, I got fired for going over my bosses head. I feel that I was treated badly in this situation. My mother told me (I was a young girl living at home at the time) that under no circumstances do you go over your boss' head. Do you agree with this? What could I have done in this situation to make it better? It seemed that nothing I did made anyone treat me better.
#2. Flash to a couple years after that. I worked in a very nice office with a small team. I was again working as a receptionist, a position that I have come to realize that is not a good position for me to be in. There was a girl near my age that worked in close quarters with me and we got along very well and enjoyed working with each other. Despite that, she had a major flaw - she was extremly unprofessional in every way. She talked about her personal bedroom life openly and loudly to clients who would listen, and about all the details of the affair that she was currently having behind her husband's back. She would also not cooperate with me if in any instance that I had to train her on something. I really enjoyed working with her nevertheless, but her behavior and resistance in working with me caused some problems. I asked some advice from a client on dealing with her in an email. One day when I was out to lunch, she opened up my email, saw the message and then forwarded a copy to my boss. When I came back in, my boss called me into the office to talk about the situation. She told me how upset my coworker was and how she really expected better of me. I apologized to my coworker trying to explain how frustrated I was that I was unable to work with her in certain situations and how I felt her unprofessionalism affected the whole team. She refused to accept my apology. After that, coming to work was a nightmare, for anytime that a client was not there she would scream obscenities in my face, treaten to hurt me and my family and to do other horrible things to me. This got to be too much for me and I went to my boss to talk to her about her behavior. I understood why she was angry and upset, and my boss told me that I deserved the harassment. I quit soon after because the harassment became too much for me to handle. In retrospect, I think that me talking to a client was unprofessional on my part and shouldn't have been done. I had tried to talk to my boss about it, but was dismissed. What would you have done in this situation?
Conflict Situations
Whiskerybeast
With a name like that, I didn’t realise until now that you are female! I think it is good that you are looking at some of these negative experiences and trying to see if you could have done things differently. I have been doing the same regarding mishaps in my career.
In #1, I think the main problem was not that you went over your boss’s head, but that you failed from the beginning to develop positive relationships with others in your office. It seemed early on that you did not do enough to “fit in” with others, which is why you came across as “depressed and unfriendly.” Sometimes that means standing up to people like the aggressive new salesperson and trying to gain their respect. Complaining to your boss in that instance did not help your relationship with the salesperson, and your boss was not sympathetic either. You probably didn’t know you had AS then, but now you can see that there probably was a big disconnect between how you perceived yourself and how others perceived you.
Going over your boss’s head is generally not recommended, but I would not say to never do it. There are instances where you may not have a choice, after you have tried as much as you can to work things out with your boss and failed. For this to work, it is essential that you have a really good relationship with your boss’s boss and others high up in the company. You will need their support, because you can count on losing any relationship you might still have with your current boss.
In #2, the main issue is that anything you write on company Email can be read by your bosses. So you should not write anything that you are not comfortable having others read. It was unfortunate that your colleague snitched on you, but in reality your boss had a legal right to monitor your company Email and he could have found out anyway. The fact that you shared your concerns (in writing, no less) with a client of your company was unacceptable, because it portrays your company in a bad light to a paying customer.
As far your co-worker is concerned, you obviously missed the fact that anyone who cheats on her husband and then tells everybody in the office about it is not to be trusted! You should have assumed that she would go through your emails when you were not looking and use any personal information you gave her against you whenever it suited her. People like that have to be treated delicately; you have to be friendly but keep at a distance. Try not to be judgemental and certainly don’t show that you are. If they are unprofessional, it’s not your job to sort them out.
Peter
Hi Peter Thanks for your
Hi Peter
Thanks for your reply, you have helped me shed some light on the situations! I never thought that my main cause with #1 is that I had failed to establish approrpriate relationships within the culture. I can see now how that effected everything and why everyone seemed against me. I was undiagnosed at that time.
For #2, I understand what I did as far as the email and talking to the client was wrong. What I am having trouble understanding is why my boss did nothing to stop the harassment. I was punished for the mess up and I thought that would be the end of it between my boss and I. But I was floored when she refused to talk to my coworker about the personal threats and the obscenity screaming.
Further to your comments
Further to your comments on #2, I suspect the main underlying issue in #2 was similar to #1. Perhaps you failed to develop good relations over time with others in the company including your boss. It seems like your co-worker did a better job doing this.
Part of the problem with AS is that we tend to assume that if someone appears to be an unprofessional and immoral person to us, it will be obvious to everybody else. It isn’t the case. It could even be that others in the company including the customers were entertained by her banter. I’ve worked in businesses where this was common. She could even have been “taking the mick” by making up some of this stuff, all for shock value and to get you upset.
Another point is that, because we tend to isolate ourselves from social opportunities, the person with AS generally underestimates the relationship others may have with the boss and other important people in the company. We might think they’re “sucking up,” but they may actually be currying a lot of favour with the higher ups!
You were right in leaving the company. It didn’t appear that it was the right place for you!
Peter
With conflict #2, the whole
With conflict #2, the whole team knew about my AS and worked with me on it. My boss should have filled out a harassment report on the other person because it was her job to do so. What I am having trouble understanding is why she didn't. It could be that her personal feelings for the other person got in the way of doing the right thing. I do not let my personal feelings mar anything that I do at work. So this is an alien thing to me.
Objective Viewpoint
This is one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with.
I think literally and approach issues in an objective, non-personal way. If I don't like someone I would never put them down personally to the detriment of their career or livlihood for example.
Others don't do this of course. I have worked hard to try and understand this and ensure that I factor it into my thinking and dealings with others.
Its very important. Many people will not treat you like you are pre-disposed to treat others; their mindset is different and they operate to different inner personal agendas.
The answer? Difficult. What I have found is to work hard to not allow personal opinion or moral standing to creep into your thinking and actions at work and to try, as far as is possible, to remain distant mentally from this and not become involved.
Its hard for someone with Asperger of course, but at work I see no real other way.
(there is a useful Case Study on Asperger Management that relates to this).
#2
Don't trust anyone! Why do you think a client should be loyal to you! That collegue must have been a bit nuts. Maintaining professionalism whilst others are not is difficult. You were being bullied and got no support. Most NT's seem to cloud the boundaries of professionalism and flirting, gossiping, etc. Perhaps the boss and the collegue were friends or something?
The client didn't spill the
The client didn't spill the beans, my coworker went and opened up my personal work email, went through all of my sub-folders and read the email and then forwarded it to my boss. I think that my boss was cozy with her because she is still in the same position and still spouting the same filth from her mouth in front of clients.
#1
My dad told me something similar when one teacher at my school was bullying me and I told another teacher about it. I do understand why he told me that, but I now understand that he wasn't completely right. Now I will always deal with senior management and local management equally. I look to the person who can actually go some way to solve the problem.
Whiskerybeast, I don't think
Whiskerybeast, I don't think you did anything "wrong" and especially with the first situation, you were a young person inexperienced in office politics.
I was in a somewhat similar situation once and got into real strife for going over my boss's head but I thought it was the only way to get something done.
To me, it is essential to join a union. Had you been in the union, it's highly likely that your co-workers in both situations would have been pulled up for their bullying and harassment. Nobody should have to put up with that shite, AS or no AS.
That's why we have unions - to put some limits upon exploitation and mistreatments of workers.
Once I joined the union at work, some bad situations cropped up with regard to bullying, but the union rep was able to work with management and have me moved away from people who gave me a hard time. I'm the type of person who works very hard and diligently but isn't a crawler.
In Australia, there are laws against the type of behaviour your colleage in example #2 was showing. People are not allowed to make comments of that kind if they make even one other person uncomfortable. There can be serious legal repercussions if they do.
Victims of bullying DO NOT deserve to be blamed. There is something really messed up with a culture where you are told that you invited the bullying in some way. The bullies are completely responsible for their actions and it's a cop-out to say they aren't.