The Cold Shoulder
I have just posted on my blog about how today a work colleague was very curt and basically ignored me when I tried to wish him Happy Christmas etc.
Not sure what others feel, but it has always quite upset me when people are cold or dismissive towards me.
I suspect that it has a lot to do with my tendency to apportion blame or guilt internally as a result of my Asperger: if someone doesn't like me its nothing to do with them!
A consequence of this in the past has perhaps been that I am not amenable to the other party and have sent the message that I am too keen to please or be liked.
I have become better over the years at putting it to one side, but I have to admit that I still find it disconcerting.
Does any else have any thoughts or the matter or, better still, suggested responses when one encounters this?
Chances are, he was just
Chances are, he was just having a bad day/season and it had nothing to do with you. He may have been having family issues, family members staying with him that he didn't get along with, or may be depressed or hate holidays in general. There could be tons of reasons, none of them having to do with you!
I agree that many Aspies tend to internalize these things because we feel that we did something wrong because of our AS. I might add that **since** I learned about AS, I have tended to blame myself even more for any misunderstanding or rudeness by anyone else, because knowing about AS has tended to make me think that I have NO social skills, but that's just me.
Possibly
You may all be right.
However, this person does has a reputation for being opinionated and brusque at the best of times.
I have become more adept over time of "turning the other cheek and simply caring less when people are like this.
I think it is important from our perspective not to react or to be seen to be letting it fester.
Good Idea
Good idea. I would probably do this. I would probably have to turn the other cheek in a case like this, even though it's tricky.
Anthony
Why Worry
I provided some information that this person required this morning which he was chasing urgently.
All he did was point out a minor syntax error in my correspondence to him! No thank you or anything similar.
Its his issue now not mine. I'll be civil to him as always but won't afford him the luxury of going out of my way.
However, I do think that this is an important lesson I have learnt. Had I shown my displeasure as I may have done in the past, it could have aggravated the situation and made me an enemy.
I have learnt not to do this because of the damage [inter-personal] that it can cause.
Re: The Cold Shoulder
Sorry to hear that you experienced something like this. I tend to experience this from time to time, I don't like it either. Sadly, there are times I'm in the other person's shoes! Sometimes I tend to be a bit curt and dismissive towards people. This happens when I'm having a bad day or frustrated with things or just stressed.
Maybe this person was having a bad day, maybe this person had a lot going on their plate... It doesn't necessarily mean the person does not like you or anything like that. I know this is easier said than done but when something like this happens to me I tend just to move on and forget about it.
I thought it was really nice of you to wish them a Merry Christmas! There's nothing wrong with this at all!
Anthony
Do you know what religion
Do you know what religion this person practiced? Maybe they don't like the holidays because of some reason and are being a Scrooge?
It still doesn't excuse
It still doesn't excuse their being rude about it. We're not mind readers and this political correctness stuff can get overdone.
If it were me, I wouldn't bother wishing them "Happy Christmas" next time and only have anything to do with them when it was absolutely necessary.
At least if the person has a reputation for being brusque and rude you know it wasn't your fault that he acted so rudely.
Holding the Right Line
I feel that this is a mistake that, perhaps, we too often fall into!
Just because someone isn't courteous, I don't feel that the right strategy is to respond likewise. Indeed, I feel that challenging this approach is one of the best ways for someone with AS to overcome a key difficulty - creating and dealing with inter-personal friction with third-parties.
I have found that if you "rise above it" it exposes the other person and and cements your position. It also helps prevent conflict later or, if conflict does occur, manage it more effectively.
With the latter I have found that responding in kind reduces the ability to confront behaviour later as it means that I feel I am partially to blame and, therefore, less confident within myself that I can reproach someone.
If I have acted at all times in the correct fashion, I feel I have a clear conscience and am then more able to act.
No, I don't mean being
No, I don't mean being actively rude back to them - just keeping out of their way as much as possible. Even if they don't celebrate Christmas, I don't think they should party poop those who do.
Personality Type
Re-visiting this posting as it has come up again recently in the form of a different person.
I think that this is a distinct personality type that I have identified and exists in all firms. They are generally simply not socialble and there is not much you can do to change them. Its another category like the bully.
The key, I have found, is not to show that you are concerned or unsettled by their demeanour; I mean, it is their bag and if they want to act that way then simply let them get on with it.
It is important, of course, not to allow the Asperger tendency to show disdain to creep into the situation. Continue to be pleasant to them and civil at all times. This is important as it removes to propensity to antagonise.
I have found that taking this approach means that, in the end, people become consciously aware of themselves to a degree. This tends to lessen their indifference towards other people.
The thing I also find is that other people are usually thinking the same thing as me. The person involved is normally perceived in the same way and I find that becoming aware of this, i.e. it is them not me, is the best way I can feel better about the scenario!!