Aggression
Submitted by Malcolm on Sat, 02/02/2008 - 03:15.
I was thinking a day or so ago about aggressive people in the workplace and how I am poor at working with, and accomodating, them!!!
I can sense when someone is going to be an aggressive operator and I suspect they can typically sense what I think as well. This usually leads to friction from day one.
Has anyone developed a strategy for dealing with such people? There is usually one in every working environment.
Am I bovvered?
Normally in such situations, if I manage to retain my cool, I will adopt an attitude of apathy along the lines of the "Am I bovvered" routine from the character Lauren Cooper from the Catherine Tate Show. I will not normally be that rude, but if I can keep my cool, I will normally politely express apathy until it blows over.
Retaining Composure
Just to re-iterate, retaining composure is absolutely essential at all times.
As Nick Dubin said in his Q&A on bullying elsewhere on Asperger Management, once you lose your composure you also lose credibility in the eyes of the other person: I strongly believe they will view you as susceptible to attack and will proceed further.
It is reversable
I agree that losing composure isn't a good thing in the short term. Depending on the individual concerned I think it is still possible to reverse a situation and recover it and sometimes for the better.
Major Outburst
I want to re-vist this subject as little as been said on the Conflict forum of late and I think that it is important.
I have come to learn from - sometimes bitter - experience that "losing it" is highly damaging, especially from the perspective of having Asperger syndrome and in a workplace setting.
I had a boss once who was very successful and highly respected. He never lost his composure. However, at his retirement a colleague commented on this but that how he had lost his temper once. It was with a person from a different company who had a reputation - and ability - to irritate.
I think that there are extreme cases when it may be justifiable for a person with Asperger syndrome to erupt. It is when the situation is so severe that the Asperger propensity no to respond and sit back and take it so to speak can send a messag that you are susceptible to being bullied.
I have met one individual when this "may" have been appropriate. Its an extreme view of course, and not one that I thought that I would ever advocate, but I would be interested to hear of anyone else shares it!
The Right Way
I think that you are right to say this. However, retaining composure I have found is essential - at least in the short term.
In the past, I have had a propensity to "react". Whilst this may be an understandable response to unfair criticism or attack, it is an inappropriate one, not least of all for dealing with the issue going forward from a personal perspective.
What I mean by this, reacting hinders my ability to confront the issue effectively later as it instills doubts on my part due to the conscious feeling that I have in some way contributed to the friction.
My experience has taught me that I must retain the high "right" ground at all times if I - as someone with AS - am able to address an issue. Inside I know that reacting aggressively is wrong and it gives the other party a justifiable recourse later. It also hinders my ability to confront an issue based on facts from a non-personal perspective as my conscious then informs me that I am not blameless either.
In the short term this means "turning the other cheek" to behaviour that I feel is unfair and unjustified. However, what it does enable me to do is "store up" a grievance so that if/when I do feel the need to confront an issue, I feel totally justified/at ease/entitled to do so from an internal perspective.
The important thing is, from a personal perspective, I do not let the issue pass. Not addressing it going forward is every bit as damaging as doing so aggressively immediately. Instead I allow the scenario to build until I can I feel right; this then allows me to confront effectively.
(one important caveat is if the criticism is highly personal, or totally "over the top" - this means that immediate resolution should be sought).
Quite a long posting and I hope that I have explained myself satisfactorily? However, it is a personal technique that - arguably - is the most important one that I have had to develop in the commercial (outside) world!
Ok
But storing it up for one big outburst might be counter-productive! At the same time reacting to everything at the time it occurs can make you seem like a moaner! So its a loose loose situation...
Storing It Up
You make a really important point here.
I have a tendency to "store things up" and I think that it is very dangerous in a work context. To start with I tend to take the view that "it doesn't matter" when it fact it really does matter.
The net result is that it grates and becomes an even bigger issue. Because of my AS tendency of being "honest to a fault" or because of my high levels of innate integrity, I am unable to let it pass internally.
As other commentators have observed elsewhere on Asperger Management - Nick Dubin when talking about bullying and victimisation for example - the worse thing you can do is allow an outburst to emerge. You lose credibility.
I had a small example of dealing effectively with this outside of work a couple of weeks ago. A colleague on the hockey field was pushing me out of the way when we were facing corners. It was really agitating me!
Last week I asked if I could speak to him about something that was bugging me and explained why in a light hearted manner. He, in turn, explained that it wasn't intentional; he was just worried about not being able to see the ball!
By addressing the problem immediately I nipped it in the bud. I believe that its essential to do this at work and not to then - contrary to the often AS tendency - hold any form of residual grudge.
In other words: forget it!
Has anyone found that if
Has anyone found that if they keep their cool in high tension situations that it only makes the aggressor more angry and prone to be a bully towards you? I have in some situations found this to be the case.
Finding the Right Balance
Its that old chestnut about not over reacting and antagonising the other party whilst, at the same time, assertively standing up for your self.
I think that this is one of the hardest tasks that I have as a person working with AS in political structures.
The key - or what I have tried to do - is be assertive. Acknowledge (if the criticism or complaint is justified) their viewpoint but then assertively state why you haven't done something: "I was otherwise engaged so coudln't address your issue".
The other thing that I think is important - but which I find hard to do - is to keep my personal grievance out of the situation.
My AS or sense of right pulls me strongly towards stating this; however, it is probably the worse thing that one can do as it antagonises.
I state why I too may be unhappy and then don't hold any personal grudges!
At times I do see this also
Yes, sometimes I get this with students. While remaining calm, cool, collected and not showing signs of losing it during these high tension discussions I have noticed students getting more angry with me. It seems like they're testing the limits and not tolerating the niceness and calmness I'm presenting. They just want what they want without any questions, attitude or niceness.
Aggressors= Bullies
I have encountered several bullies and aggressive people during my life. I do feel that what causes them to behave as they do is a lack of self confidence. Because they feel insecure about themselves and their abilities they behave aggressively towards people who are comfortable with themselves. During my working life I have always found ways to feel comfortable in jobs even if I haven't enjoyed the work. The aggressor or bully ( either a collegue, subordinate or superior ) will always look to disrupt that. Having Aspergers means that if a 'fact' based conflict occurs then I am almost certain to come out on top, but if it's an 'emotional' issue, then I am more likely to react in an inappropriate way ( ie walk out, get angry, etc. ). However, after some quiet reflecting time, I am always the one who resolves the conflict with the aggressor. I think this demonstrates that although aggressive people may score the first goal, passive and considered people like me often win the game.
Effective Response
This is very encouraging and I would like to know more about how you go about this?
Like you, if someone is being rational and non-personal I can usually reason with them. Its when someone is irrational, emotive and clearly being personally or "unfair" in my mind that I struggle to locate the correct response.
In such situations I cannot find the appropriate response i.e. firm but fair. What tends to happen is that I antagonise the other party in some way.
One useful tactic is to simply "not" let it worry me in order to reduce my reaction - in other words, reduce the importance of the person/issue internally.
Another thing that I do is not make any reference to them personally and focus on the issue only; I try not to criticise them individually, i.e. "condemn the sin, not the sinner".
I still find it hard though, as I tend not to find the right balance between assertiveness and not being antagonistic and affronting others.
Would really like to receive more feedback on this subject.
Aggressive people
Hi
I have not really developed a good plan in dealing with aggressive people. I tend to have trouble with aggressive people myself. Either there's friction between them and I or I get nervous with them around.
I usually try to be nice to them, not let them bully me (easier said than done), try not to deal with them unless if it's neccessary and not get myself too upset if I have a situation with them. It varies with these aggressive people sometimes because at times they are not as aggressive as you would think or it's just the opposite!
With me it's different because in addition with occasionally dealing with aggressive workers I have to deal with aggressive students!